


isolating again

by trollkin



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Could be read as either romantic or platonic - Freeform, Implied Prinxiety - Freeform, M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-22
Updated: 2019-07-22
Packaged: 2020-07-11 15:48:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19930558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trollkin/pseuds/trollkin
Summary: Virgils isolating gets out of hand.





	isolating again

Virgil doesn't know when he started to isolate.  
They had been planning the new video, and his ideas had gone under between the shouting of the others; Pattons jokes, Romans energetic yelling of ideas and Logans criticism.

"We could- What if-"

It is no use. So he shuts up and merely watches. It seems like they don't need him anymore, so he sinks away into the background.

_It's okay_ , he tells himself. _They don't always need me. I'd only interfere with their_ _plans anyway._ _I'm just a good-for-nothing overly critical... mess._

He makes his hands into fists and lets go again, stress welling inside of him. _My thoughts are getting out of hand. I need to get out of here._

So Virgil walks down the stairs of the mindscape, into the cellar, into his room and shuts the door, clicks the lock. His finger restst on the light switch, but he decides to leave the light off.  
_Better to be alone by my own choosing than to feel alone in a room_ _full of people._

He notices that he is kind of hoping that someone would come looking, but the thought is also terrifying.

_What would I tell them? That I'm not doing well? Hah._ _I don't really have a reason to feel like this. It would be pathetic._ _No, it's better if I stay on my own. If someone knocks, I'll pretend like I'm not here._

He sits down on his sofa and leans back, looking at the ceiling. He can't hear them from down here.

He waits a bit.

He sits up, his dark hair falling into his face. That's how he likes it, hidden. It doesn't make a lot of sense to hide his face when he is on his own, though.

Virgil turns to look at the door. No one is there. No one is knocking.

_They probably didn't even notice that I'm gone._ _What kind of loser sits in his basement and waits for others to come find him?_ _I'm done with this._

Deciding that he has to do something, Virgil gets up and paces around the room. It doesn't help though, the emptiness grows. He feels restless. It's getting unbearable.

_What did Logan say about dealing with negative emotions?_ _That expressing them is healthy, and ways to do that include journaling and crying._

He blinks, blinks again. No tears.

He goes to his desk and flips through the doodles in his notebooks, finding an empty page. Fishing for a pen in a drawer, he sits down on the chair and immediately feels like banging his head onto the desk.

_I can't do it! I can't! It's all useless!_

Virgil gets up and wants to pace, wants to flop onto the sofa, wants to scream, but all of these seem like too much to handle right now. So he just stands still and shakes. His hands, seeking comfort, run through his hair, cross arms over his chest, press against his eyes and come to rest over his mouth. He stares into the darkness of his room, wide eyed, and then a wicked idea arrives in his mind.

_I could do it._

The idea eats through his attempts at healthy emotion management, burns through his willpower, poisons his thoughts.

_I could really go and do it again._

Shakily, he lowers his hands from his face. Turns his head towards the desk, contemplating the bottom drawer. Slowly, his feet begin to rotate and move.

His hand reaches down to open it. _Like an addict, going back for another shot._

He waves away the thought. It doesn't matter. Nothing matters. That's the problem.

And there they are, in his hands, multiple razor blades and knives stolen from the kitchen. His fingers caress the edges, testing for sharpness. _This will do._

* * *

Knocks are heard on his door. "Virgil? Virgil!" It's Roman. His voice sounds normal, not concerned or annoyed like anticipated.

Virgil is sitting on the floor, razor blade next to him, his arm flashing two brand new cuts. They are still bleeding. He looks up, doesn't know what to do.

"Virgil, can you give us your analysis of the dark parts of Disney movies again? We want to make a video on them."

_I don't get it. Why does he suddenly care?_

"Go away, Roman", he answers. It was supposed to sound annoyed, but his voice came out a lot more pitiful than intended. Roman seems to have noticed, there is a pause and then  
"Virgil? Are you alright?"

He sighs quietly. _You come at the worst moment, Princey._ _You shouldn't have to see this._ Before he can reply, Roman calls out again. "Virgil? I'm coming in!"

To Virgils surprise, Roman actually kicks in the door. He does so effortlessly and with elegance. Standing proudly in the doorframe like a knight coming to save the day, he notices Virgil on the floor, who is holding up his hands to shield himself from the light falling in.

"Virgil, my strange yet fluffy sidemate - no, scratch that, it sounds weird, I'm still looking for a word to refer to you all with - are you alright? Why are you on the floor?" That's when he notices the injuries. "Are those- Oh god."

The side encorporating anxiety just kind of sits there, not saying anything. _Just gotta endure this somehow... Shit, now I made him worry about me._

"Virgil! Please talk to me!" Roman kneels down in front of him and puts his hands on his shoulders, looks him in the eyes. Virgil avoids eye contact. "Listen. I know I've made fun of you in the past, but I don't do that anymore. I hope. You have to tell me if- What I'm trying to say is: I'm here for you. And-" He tries to make eye contact, but Virgil keeps avoiding him. "Hey! I like you. I really do. We all do." His fingers reach toward the injured arm hesitantly, then shy away. "What happened?"

Virgil sighs and tries to sort his thoughts. "I don't- I don't really know. You guys didn't seem like you needed me, so I figured I'd leave you to it." He reaches for his jacket and puts it on, covering his arms, then crosses them over his chest, defensively. "It's really none of your business..."

"None of my business? One of my friends is upset! That _is_ my business. I'm going to fix that!" He poses dramatically as well as he can while kneeling on the floor. Virgil rolls his eyes, but doesn't counter. Then Roman turns his attention back to him. "You're not underappreciated, Virgil. You may feel like it, but we value your input. Remember when I came knocking, asking for your take on Disney? Three minutes ago? Remember that?" Virgil takes a deep breath, then nods and finally looks at Roman, he isn't exactly smiling but he looks a lot less distressed than before.

"Yeah." Roman looks pleased and pulls him to his feet. "Come on, let's join the others, we've got a video to make!"


End file.
